Numbness is the best way I can describe what I was feeling when I heard my sister say to me “she’s gone”. I did not break down and cry I just felt stillness . My heart felt so heavy and empty but not broken. My heart was broken when my grandmother died, my heart was broken when my cousin Tony suddenly died….. so I know what that feels like. So why now am I so still and heavy?
Maybe I was preparing myself and my heart for the roller coaster of emotions that I was getting ready to ride on. My trip home wouldn’t change a thing but hold on tight to my family.
Travelling back to the states during this Covid pandemic is a very scary situation. Going back home to see family after almost 3 years was suppose to be exciting and fun and yet here I was getting on a plane feeling like I was in a dream feeling nothing at all.
After 21 hours of traveling I got off the plane, and it was in that moment that I took out my phone to let mom know I had landed safely as I always do when I am traveling. Thats when it finally hit me that she was gone. She would never answer that call again.
I knew in my heart that I was going to have to deal with a lot more pain then just mothers passing. I knew my kids and nieces and nephews were going to feel hurt by her final wishes.
May you Rest In Peace.
Chasing A Feeling 